The Four Horsemen of Communication — and Their Antidotes

Every couple experiences conflict. What matters most isn’t if you argue, but how you argue. Drs. John and Julie Gottman, leading relationship researchers, have identified four common communication habits that are so damaging to relationships they call them “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”

When these patterns show up regularly, they can erode trust, closeness, and connection. The good news? Each Horseman has an antidote — a healthier way to express yourself that strengthens, rather than harms, your bond.

1. Criticism → Gentle Start-Up

What it looks like:

Criticism attacks your partner’s character rather than focusing on a specific behaviour or issue. It often begins with “You always…” or “You never…”

Example:

• “You never help with the kids. You’re so lazy.”

Why it’s harmful:

Criticism makes your partner feel attacked and blamed, which usually leads to defensiveness or withdrawal. Over time, it creates a cycle of negativity.

Antidote: Gentle Start-Up

Instead of attacking, share your feelings and needs using “I” statements. Be specific and respectful.

Try this instead:

• “I feel really overwhelmed with the kids tonight. Could you please help with bath time?”

2. Contempt → Appreciation and Respect

What it looks like:

Contempt goes beyond criticism — it expresses superiority, mockery, or disrespect. It often includes sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, or hostile humour.

Example:

• “Oh wow, you finally remembered to take the rubbish out. Do you want a medal?”

Why it’s harmful:

Contempt is the single strongest predictor of relationship breakdown. It erodes respect and makes your partner feel belittled or unloved.

Antidote: Appreciation and Respect

Actively build a culture of appreciation. Notice and express gratitude for what your partner does and who they are.

Try this instead:

• “Thanks for taking the rubbish out — I appreciate it.”

• “I know you’re tired, and I really value the effort you’re making.”

3. Defensiveness → Taking Responsibility

What it looks like:

Defensiveness is warding off perceived attack by making excuses, counter-attacking, or playing the victim.

Example:

• Partner A: “I felt hurt that you didn’t call when you were late.”

• Partner B: “Well, you never call me when you’re running late either!”

Why it’s harmful:

Defensiveness blocks understanding. Instead of listening, it shifts blame and escalates conflict.

Antidote: Take Responsibility

Even if you don’t feel completely at fault, take responsibility for your part in the situation. This opens the door for collaboration.

Try this instead:

• “You’re right, I should have called. I’ll try to keep you updated next time.”

4. Stonewalling → Self-Soothing and Re-Engagement

What it looks like:

Stonewalling happens when one partner withdraws during conflict — shutting down, going silent, or walking away without explanation.

Example:

• Folding arms, avoiding eye contact, and refusing to speak mid-argument.

Why it’s harmful:

Stonewalling leaves issues unresolved and can feel like abandonment to your partner. Often, it happens because one partner feels emotionally flooded and unable to cope.

Antidote: Self-Soothing and Re-Engagement

When overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a break — but let your partner know you’ll return to the conversation. Use that time to calm down before re-engaging.

Try this instead:

• “I’m feeling too upset to talk right now. Can we take a 20-minute break and then try again?”

Free Resource

Our free resource helps you recognise these patterns in your own relationship and learn healthier ways to respond, so you can replace conflict cycles with connection and understanding.

Click here to download:

The 4 Horsemen.pdf

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Putting It All Together

The Four Horsemen may appear in any relationship — but they don’t have to control it. By learning to recognise them and practising the antidotes, couples can transform destructive patterns into opportunities for growth.

• Replace criticism with gentle, respectful start-ups.

• Swap contempt for appreciation.

• Shift from defensiveness to responsibility.

• Turn stonewalling into intentional breaks with re-engagement.

With awareness and practice, you can create a more supportive, respectful, and loving communication style — even in the middle of conflict.

Final Thought

No couple is perfect, and it’s normal for the Horsemen to show up from time to time. What matters most is what you do next. When you notice them, pause, take a breath, and try the antidote instead.

If you and your partner find these patterns are deeply ingrained or hard to shift, couples counselling can provide a safe, supportive space to break free of unhelpful cycles and learn healthier ways to connect.