Fighting Fair: A Practical Guide for Couples

Purpose of this Guide:

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship — but it doesn’t have to be destructive. Learning to “fight fair” means approaching disagreements in ways that protect respect, strengthen trust, and build understanding rather than creating distance. This guide outlines five evidence-based strategies couples can use to turn conflict into an opportunity for growth.

1. Focus on the Issue, Not the Person

Why it matters:

Personal attacks trigger defensiveness, making resolution harder. By focusing on the behaviour or situation instead of your partner’s character, you keep the conversation constructive.

How to do it:

• Use “I” statements instead of “You” accusations.

• Describe the behaviour and your feelings about it.

• Avoid name-calling, sarcasm, or generalisations like “always” or “never.”

Example:

• Instead of: “You never listen to me.”

• Try: “I feel unheard when my concerns aren’t acknowledged. Can we find a way to improve our communication?”

2. Listen to Understand, Not to Respond

Why it matters:

When we listen only to prepare a rebuttal, we miss our partner’s perspective. Active listening fosters empathy and reduces misunderstandings.

How to practise:

• Maintain eye contact and open body language.

• Avoid interrupting.

• Paraphrase to check understanding: “So you’re feeling frustrated because you don’t feel appreciated?”

• Validate feelings: “I can understand why you feel that way.”

Try this prompt:

“What I’m hearing you say is ____. Is that right?”

3. Take a Break if Emotions Run High

Why it matters:

When emotions are overwhelming, we’re more likely to say or do things we regret. A pause allows for emotional regulation before continuing.

How to take a constructive break:

1. Agree together that you need a pause.

2. Set a time to resume: “Let’s take 20 minutes to cool off and then talk again.”

3. Use the break to calm your body and mind (deep breathing, short walk).

4. Return ready to listen and problem-solve.

4. Find Common Ground

Why it matters:

Rehashing past grievances without moving toward solutions keeps you stuck. Working together to find a way forward builds a sense of partnership. Aim for solutions that work for both of you.

How to reframe the conversation:

• Shift from blame to problem-solving:

  • “What can we do differently next time?”

  • “How can we both feel heard and respected?”

• Remember: It’s the two of you versus the problem — not you versus each other.

5. Repair and Reconnect After Conflict

Why it matters:

Even fair arguments can leave emotional bruises. Repairing ensures conflict doesn’t create lasting resentment.

Ways to repair:

• Offer a sincere apology without excuses.

• Express appreciation for your partner’s effort.

• Use small gestures of affection (hug, touch, kind words).

Example:

“I’m sorry I raised my voice earlier. I value how we worked through that together.”

Quick “Fighting Fair” Checklist

•  Did I focus on the issue, not my partner’s character?

•  Did I listen to understand before responding?

•  Did I take a break when emotions ran high?

•  Did I stay focused on solutions?

•  Did we reconnect after the discussion?

When to Seek Extra Support

If your conflicts:

• Frequently escalate into yelling or withdrawal,

• Leave one or both partners feeling unsafe or unheard, or

• Stem from deeper unresolved issues,

  ...then couples counselling can help. A professional can guide you in developing healthier patterns, improving communication, and rebuilding trust.

Fighting fair isn’t about avoiding disagreements — it’s about handling them in ways that safeguards your bond. With practice, these skills can turn conflict into a pathway for deeper connection, trust, and understanding.