Conversations, Not Conflicts: 3 Common Communication Mistakes (and How to Avoid Them)

Why This Matters

Couples often say they want to:

• Communicate better

• Build a more peaceful relationship

• Maintain respect and kindness

These are wonderful goals — but when you’re upset and don’t have the right tools, even small disagreements can turn into conflict.

Disagreement itself isn’t the problem — it’s normal and even healthy for couples to have different views. The key is how you disagree. Respectful dialogue can lead to deeper understanding and problem-solving, while harsh words, raised voices, or criticism can damage your connection.

This resource highlights 3 common communication mistakes that often spark conflict, and what to do instead.

Mistake 1: Making Negative Assumptions

When emotions run high, it’s easy to assume the worst about your partner’s intentions — this is called emotional reasoning.

Example:

• Partner A: “I want to go play pool on Saturday without feeling guilty. I want us both to have free time.”

• Partner B: “It’s because you think raising children is a woman’s job.”

Here, Partner B has interpreted the statement negatively and responded with criticism. Criticism — attributing flaws to your partner’s personality — is one of the biggest predictors of relationship breakdown.

✅ Instead:

• Notice when your mind is jumping to the worst-case meaning.

• Pause before responding, and ask: “Is there another way to see this?”

• Express your concern without assuming motives: “I sometimes feel like I carry more of the parenting load. Can we talk about balancing it differently?”

Mistake 2: Missing or Rejecting Bids for Connection

A bid for connection is any attempt to get your partner’s attention, affection, or support.

Example:

• Partner A: “Let’s sit down and plan our week so we can find time to connect.”

• Partner B (turning away): “I’m cooking dinner.”

• Partner B (turning against): “You always get like this. That’s why I don’t want to talk.”

In Dr. John Gottman’s research, couples who stayed together turned towards each other’s bids 86% of the time, compared with only 33% in couples who divorced.

✅ Instead:

• Notice the bid and turn towards it: “Sure, let me finish dinner and then we’ll plan.”

• Even a small acknowledgment strengthens your bond: “I hear you. Let’s make time for that.”

Mistake 3: Micro-Looks of Negativity

Eye rolls, glares, smirks, or head shakes while your partner speaks are subtle but powerful. They communicate contempt — the single most damaging behaviour in relationships.

Example:

• Partner A: “I feel unheard and end up yelling because it’s the only way people listen.”

• Partner B: Rolls eyes and shakes head silently throughout.

These small gestures silently say: “You’re wrong. You’re beneath me.” This erodes respect and safety in communication.

✅ Instead:

• Practice neutral listening faces (soft eyes, relaxed posture).

• Remind yourself: “Even if I disagree, their perspective is valid.”

• Save responses until they finish. Listening without interruptions or negative signals builds trust.

Your Next Steps: Building Conversations, Not Conflicts

• Recognise when you’re slipping into these mistakes.

• Practice the alternatives, even in small everyday moments.

• Focus on listening and understanding before problem-solving.

When both partners feel truly heard and respected, solutions come more easily. Conversations replace conflicts, and peace and respect take root.

✅ Quick Reflection Checklist

Use this before or after a tough conversation:

• Am I making negative assumptions about my partner’s motives?

• Did I notice and respond to their bids for connection?

• Am I showing respect through my words, tone, and body language?

• Did I truly listen before jumping in with my response?

• Do I feel we both had space to share our perspective?