How to Communicate with a High-Conflict Co-Parent

Dealing with a high-conflict individual—such as an ex or co-parent—can be frustrating, draining, and often discouraging. Whether you’re navigating co-parenting after separation or simply dealing with someone prone to hostility, managing these interactions calmly and effectively is essential.

One helpful tool is the BIFF response (Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm), developed by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. This method helps keep conversations productive, reduces unnecessary conflict, and allows you to protect your emotional energy.

Declining the Invitation to the Drama Party

Imagine receiving an invitation to a party. But this isn’t just any party—it’s hosted by your ex, and the theme is blame, accusations, and emotional outbursts. You know this party well: the “music” is insults, the “decorations” are guilt, and every guest is expected to argue all night long.

Now, just because you’ve been invited doesn’t mean you have to attend. You could show up, get caught in endless conflict, and leave feeling exhausted and defeated. Or—you could politely decline.

Declining doesn’t mean ignoring important issues or being uncaring. It means intentionally choosing not to engage in the emotional drama. Instead, you respond calmly, stick to the facts, and refuse to escalate the situation. This is what BIFF allows you to do—it’s essentially saying, “Thanks for the invitation, but I won’t be attending this party.”

The BIFF Method: A Practical Guide

1. Brief

Keep your message short and to the point. A few sentences are usually enough. Avoid long explanations or defending yourself against every accusation—that only fuels further conflict.

2. Informative

Stick to the facts. Address inaccuracies without blaming or defending, and provide clear, useful information that moves the situation forward.

3. Friendly

Use a neutral tone that is polite and respectful. This doesn’t mean being overly friendly or cheerful, but starting with a calm, neutral statement can de-escalate tension.

Examples of openings:

• “Thank you for letting me know. Here’s what I can share…”

• “I appreciate your concern. To avoid confusion, here’s some clarification…”

A friendly tone acknowledges the other person without inviting more conflict.

4. Firm

End the conversation with clarity. Being firm means closing the topic without leaving it open for endless back-and-forth. If a decision is made, state it confidently.

BIFF in Action: Co-Parenting Examples

Co-parenting is often where tensions run high. Here’s how BIFF can help:

Context: After-School Activity Pick-Up

Scenario: The pick-up time for your child’s activity has changed.

BIFF Example:

• Brief: “Hi, just letting you know about a change.”

• Informative: “Dance class finishes at 5:15 PM this term, not 5:00.”

• Friendly: “Thanks for adjusting your schedule to help.”

• Firm: “Please confirm this works so we're both on the same page.”

Context: Last-Minute Pick-Up Change

Scenario: Your co-parent is requesting a last-minute schedule change.

BIFF Example:

• Brief: “Thanks for your message.”

• Informative: “I’m not able to change today’s pick-up on such short notice.”

• Friendly: “I understand things come up unexpectedly.”

• Firm: “If you’d like, we can discuss adjustments for next week by Friday evening.”

BIFF Checklist Before You Send:

✔ Is my response under 5 sentences?

✔ Did I stick to the facts?

✔ Is my tone polite and neutral?

✔ Did I close the conversation?

When to Avoid Responding

Not every hostile message deserves your energy. Sometimes, silence is the best response.

But, when a reply is necessary, a BIFF approach helps you remain calm and factual.

Co-Parenting Boundary-Setting: Realistic Examples

Healthy boundaries are key to protecting your well-being. Boundaries mean you won’t get drawn into cycles of blame or hostility, even when attacked.

Boundary	Example Action	Benefit
Respect time and space	Use agreed schedules, no unannounced visits	Reduces conflict, builds consistency
Child-centric communication	Only discuss the child's needs	Keeps focus, avoids personal conflict
Adhere to parenting plans or Court Orders	Follow shared schedule arrangements; communicate changes in advance where possible	Stability and predictability for the kids
Use neutral platforms	Communicate via apps or emails for parenting matters	Less emotional escalation, documented record
Separate personal boundaries	Avoid personal or unrelated discussions	Maintains mutual respect and individual space
Clarify decision types	Define ahead of time what decisions require agreement vs. individual choices	Reduces power struggles and confusion
Set emergency and meeting guidelines	Agree on emergency contact plan and neutral meeting spots if necessary	Preparedness and reduced face-to-face stress

Why These Boundaries Matter

• Promote a peaceful, respectful co-parenting environment less driven by emotional reactivity.

• Help maintain a child-focused mindset, protecting kids from conflict.

• Provide structure and legal defensibility, often recognised by family courts and dispute resolution professionals.

Final Thoughts

Communicating with a high-conflict individual will never be easy, but it doesn’t have to overwhelm you. By using the BIFF method, you can:

• Protect your energy and peace of mind

• Keep communication respectful and efficient

• Focus on what really matters—your children’s well-being and your own mental health

Remember: every time you “decline the invitation to the drama party,” you’re choosing calm, clarity, and control.