School Refusal – A Guide for Parents

When school feels impossible

Is getting your child to school a daily battle of tears, stomach aches, shutdowns, panic, or flat-out refusal? It is important to know that you’re not alone. School refusal is far more common than many parents realise and it can be deeply distressing for families who feel stuck between wanting to support their child and worrying about attendance, learning, and the future. A recent 2023 survey found that 39 per cent of parents agreed or strongly agreed that their child had experienced school refusal in the past year.

School refusal (sometimes called school avoidance) isn’t about laziness, defiance, or bad parenting. It’s usually a sign that something feels overwhelming, unsafe, or unmanageable for a young person, even if adults can’t immediately see why. When mornings are tense and emotions run high, it’s easy for families to feel trapped in cycles of fear, guilt, and power struggles.

At Hills Relationship Centre, we see school refusal across a wide range of ages and family situations. To bring different perspectives together, we asked two of our counsellors — Mark and Toni to share what they notice most often in their work with children, teens, and parents.

What’s really going on underneath

“School refusal is rarely about school alone,” says Toni. “It’s often a sign of a nervous system in distress rather than a child being difficult or unmotivated.”

School refusal is usually multi-layered. Some common contributors include anxiety, low mood, bullying or peer conflict, learning or attention difficulties, neurodiversity, trauma, family stress, or feeling overwhelmed by the school environment itself. Often, young people can’t clearly explain what’s wrong — or they may give surface-level reasons that don’t capture what’s happening underneath.

“When anxiety is high, logic doesn’t land,” Toni explains. “Before problem-solving, young people need to feel emotionally safe and understood.”

This is why reassurance, validation, and regulation matter more than arguments or lectures in the moment. An overwhelmed nervous system simply isn’t ready for reasoning.

Why forcing it rarely works

Mark often sees families who have already tried being firmer, stricter, or more punitive — usually with little success.

“Once a young person has completely lost their connection to school, threats and punishments tend to have very little impact,” says Mark. “The longer the disconnection goes on, the harder it becomes to shift.”

While it can feel counterintuitive, most children don’t attend school because they’re forced to. They go because, on some level, they choose to — often because they feel connected.

“Kids go to school when they feel connected in at least one of three ways,” Mark explains. “Connection to learning, connection to a teacher, or connection to peers.”

When all three are missing, attendance becomes incredibly hard to sustain.

Rebuilding connection (not just compliance)

Rather than aiming for immediate full attendance, both Mark and Toni emphasise the importance of gently rebuilding connection.

“A little bit is better than nothing,” says Mark. “Even small steps can help maintain or rebuild a sense of belonging.”

That might mean starting with:

• One class, one hour, or a later start

• One trusted teacher or staff member

• One subject or activity your child enjoys

• One or two peers they feel safe with

Toni highlights the importance of separating the child from the problem.

“Your child isn’t being the problem,” she says. “They’re experiencing a problem. Language matters — it helps reduce shame and defensiveness for everyone.”

How parents can support their child

Parents often worry they’re doing the wrong thing — being too soft or too firm. In reality, support usually sits somewhere in the middle.

Key principles that help:

• Validate before problem-solving: “Something about school feels really hard right now.”

• Get curious, not interrogative: “What’s the hardest part of the day?”

• Regulate first, then reason: Calm bodies come before clear thinking.

• Maintain connection and routine: Sleep, meals, and structure still matter.

• Avoid turning home into a full avoidance zone without a plan.

“Being firm and kind at the same time is hard,” Mark acknowledges. “But consistency, patience, and support make a real difference over time.”

Working with schools (not against them)

Both counsellors strongly encourage collaboration with schools rather than adversarial approaches.

“Sharing why a student is struggling is far more helpful than focusing only on attendance numbers,” Toni notes.

Helpful school-based supports can include:

• A graded return plan rather than full days immediately

• A safe base room or wellbeing space

• A key safe adult for check-ins

• Temporary adjustments to workload or assessments

• Clear communication between home, school, and professionals

Mark adds:

“Be prepared for feedback that’s challenging to hear. Try to stay collaborative rather than defensive — everyone is working toward the same goal.”

Looking ahead

Parents often worry about falling behind, missed learning, or long-term consequences.

“Learning is always possible,” says Toni. “The brain remains capable of change. Focusing on mental health first creates the foundation for learning to follow.”

School refusal is not a failure — of parenting, motivation, or character. It’s a signal that something needs attention.

“Be firm, fair, kind, and very patient,” Mark advises. “Get support when you need it — and don’t give up.”

With understanding, structure, and a team-based approach, most young people can gradually rebuild confidence and re-engage with learning in a way that feels safe and sustainable.

Your support team

You don’t have to navigate school refusal on your own. Having the right support around your child — and around you — can make a significant difference.

At Hills Relationship Centre, our counsellors work alongside families to understand what’s happening beneath the surface, reduce distress, and help create a realistic, compassionate plan forward.

Meet Mark

Mark works with older children and teens experiencing school refusal, anxiety, and disengagement from learning. He brings a grounded, practical approach and helps families understand the patterns that keep them stuck — while supporting young people to rebuild connection, responsibility, and confidence over time.

Meet Toni

Toni supports younger children, teens, and parents through anxiety, emotional overwhelm, and nervous system distress. Her work focuses on emotional safety, regulation, building coping skills, and strengthening the parent–child relationship, helping families move out of daily power struggles and into steadier, more connected ground.

Book Your Appointment Today