Has Your Partner Lost Interest in Sex? Understanding Desire Changes & How to Reconnect

HRC
Nov 28, 2024
6 min read

Updated: Aug 18

It’s common for couples to notice changes in desire over the course of their relationship. Stress, health challenges, busy schedules, or emotional disconnection can all affect intimacy. Sometimes one partner feels less interested in sex than the other, and this can lead to worry, rejection, or conflict.

The good news? Desire differences are normal — and with understanding, communication, and support, couples can navigate them in ways that bring closeness rather than distance.

Why Desire Changes

Sexual desire naturally ebbs and flows. Some common contributors include:

Life load: stress, exhaustion, fatigue, lack of sleep, or feeling emotionally stretched or overwhelmed.
Relationship climate: resentment, ongoing conflict, emotional disconnect, or feeling unappreciated or unheard.
Health and body factors: hormonal changes, postpartum, menopause, chronic illness, pain, or self-esteem and body-image concerns.
Medications: antidepressants, blood pressure medication, and others can affect libido.
Mental health: low mood, anxiety, burnout, or past trauma may reduce desire.

Understanding that these influences are common — and not a reflection of someone’s worth or attractiveness — helps reduce blame and fosters compassion.

How to Start the Conversation

Communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship, and when it comes to discussing sex, it’s no different. Yet, for many couples, talking about sex can feel uncomfortable, awkward, or even taboo. Learning how to communicate openly about sex can improve your physical intimacy by strengthening connection and sparking curiosity and desire.

Tips for talking well:

Begin gently: “I love you and want us to feel close. Can we talk about how things have been for us sexually?”
Use “I” statements: focus on your feelings, not blame.
Stay curious: listen for understanding, not just to reply.
Focus on one concern at a time.
Set aside time for the conversation outside the bedroom.

The Benefits of Talking About Sex

Honest conversations about sex can bring enormous benefits to your relationship. By opening up, you:

Strengthen connection – deepen both emotional and physical intimacy, building trust and closeness.
Address unmet needs – share desires, boundaries, and preferences so nothing stays hidden or unspoken.
Reduce misunderstandings – prevent assumptions by clarifying expectations openly.
Build relationship skills – practise active listening, empathy, and compromise that flow into other parts of your relationship.
Enhance satisfaction – when both partners feel heard and understood, intimacy becomes more fulfilling and enjoyable for you both.

Talking about sex isn’t just about improving your sex life — it’s about building a stronger, more connected relationship overall.

Ways to Reconnect Without Pressure

Sometimes the best way to rebuild intimacy is by focusing on closeness and safety first.

Non-sexual intimacy – small daily gestures like holding hands, cuddling, sharing a coffee, or giving a massage.
Six-second kiss or 20-second hug – research shows these small rituals help couples feel connected.
Shared novelty – try new activities together (cooking, walking somewhere new, exploring a hobby). Novelty in the relationship often leads to renewed desire.

Practical Exercise: Sensate Focus – A Gentle Starting Point

Sensate Focus is a therapeutic exercise designed to rebuild intimacy without pressure:

Agree in advance that sex is off the table for the exercise.
Set aside 10–15 minutes.
One partner gives gentle, curious touch (arms, back, hands), while the other focuses on sensations and can guide with “slower/softer/more/less.”
Swap roles.
Afterwards, share one thing you enjoyed.

This practice creates safety, reduces pressure, and allows intimacy to grow again naturally.

Resource 1: Desire & Intimacy Checklist

🌿 Desire & Intimacy Reflection Checklist

Use this checklist together (or individually) to reflect on what may be affecting intimacy and what small steps you can take.

Context Check – What might be getting in the way right now?

☐ Stress or emotional load

☐ Fatigue or lack of sleep ☐ Overwhelm or burnout

☐ Resentment/ongoing conflict

☐ Feeling disconnected

☐ Unmet emotional needs

☐ Environmental distractions (e.g., noise, preoccupation with unfinished tasks, household clutter or mess that creates a sense of mental "to-do list")

☐ Privacy or time pressures (e.g., fear of being interrupted, feeling rushed)

☐ Pain or discomfort with sex

☐ Medication or hormone changes

☐ Low mood or anxiety

☐ Stress about work, money, or family responsibilities

☐ Feeling distracted

☐ Worry about body image or performance

☐ Phones or devices nearby

☐ Lack of transition time from “parenting/work mode” into “partner mode”

👉 Sex often requires a sense of safety, privacy, and presence. Physical and mental distractions can prevent partners from being able to fully relax and connect.

Connection Builders – What can we try this week?

☐ Share one daily gesture of affection (hug, kiss, hand-hold)

☐ Set aside 10 minutes of tech-free time together

☐ Do something practical to help lighten your partner's load

☐ Do one activity together that feels new or different

☐ Try Sensate Focus (no-pressure touch exercise)

☐ Use “I feel…” statements in conversation about sex/intimacy

☐ Plan rest — protect sleep or downtime

☐ Relationship check-ins: What's working? What needs adjusting?

☐ Share one appreciation each day (“I love how you…”)

☐ Leave notes or messages of love/encouragement

☐ Send a thoughtful text during the day

☐ Small gestures of love and care

👉 The most powerful connection builders are small, consistent actions that show “I see you, I care about you.” They don’t need to be big or expensive — regular micro-moments of attention add up to stronger intimacy.

When to Seek Support

☐ Pain, erection, or orgasm difficulties

☐ Ongoing low desire despite efforts

☐ Escalating conflict or avoidance about sex

☐ Low mood, anxiety, or exhaustion that doesn’t improve

💡 Tip: Pick one small action from the “Connection Builders” list to try this week. Review together at the end of the week: What worked? What felt difficult? What’s one step we can try next?

Resource 2: Let's Talk About Sex

🗨️ A Practical Tool for Couples to Explore Desire and Intimacy Together

Open conversations about sex and intimacy help couples build trust, deepen connection, and keep desire alive. Yet, for many couples, it can feel intimidating or awkward to start the conversation.

Using prompts makes it easier: instead of beginning from scratch, you can lean on simple, open-ended questions designed to spark curiosity and reflection.

How to Use This Tool

Set the Scene – Choose a relaxed time (not during conflict). Maybe over coffee, on a walk, or in bed when you’re both calm.
Take Turns – Pick a few prompts each and answer them openly. You don’t need to do them all at once.
Stay Curious – Listen to understand, not to correct or critique.
Skip If Needed – If a prompt feels uncomfortable, simply move on.
Add Your Own – As you get comfortable, try creating your own prompts to keep the exploration going.

Conversation Prompts: Exploring Sex & Intimacy

🌿 Comfort & Safety

Do you feel comfortable talking about sex and intimacy with me? If not, what can I do to help you feel more comfortable?
What makes you feel safe/comfortable during sex?
What is something that’s a “no-go” for you?

💞 Connection & Desire

What helps you to feel most connected to me?
I feel the most desired by you when…
How do you like to keep desire going outside the bedroom?
My top 3 non-sexual turn ons are…
My top 3 turn offs are…

🔥 Pleasure & Turn Ons

Where is your favourite place to be touched or kissed?
I feel the most turned on when…
My favourite way to pleasure you is…
The part of your body that turns me on the most is…
My favourite sexual position is…

🎨 Exploration & Playfulness

What’s something new or different you’d like to try in the bedroom?
Is there a particular fantasy or desire you’d like us to explore together?
One thing I would like to explore with you is…
Do you prefer to be pursued, or to do the pursuing?
If I were to write wedding vows for our sex life, here’s what I’d promise you…

💌 Affection & Intimacy Beyond Sex

What’s one thing we do really well together in our intimate moments?
What’s a favourite memory you have of a time we were intimate?
What kind of mood or setting makes you feel most relaxed and open to intimacy?
What’s a small gesture or act that makes you feel more connected to me sexually?

🗣 Initiation & Communication

Do you feel comfortable initiating sex/intimacy with me?
What is your favourite way to initiate?
I love when you initiate sex in this way…
How can I support you better in our sexual relationship?
What is your definition of being “good in bed”?

⏳ Growth & Reflection

How do you feel our sexual connection has evolved over time?
What is something you love about our sex life?
I would describe my sexual style as…

Pro Tips for Couples Using This Guide

Start light – choose fun prompts first to build confidence.
Mix serious and playful – balance deeper reflections with lighthearted ones.
Revisit regularly – intimacy conversations work best as ongoing check-ins.

Sexual connection thrives on curiosity, communication, and care. By using prompts like these, you can create a safe, playful space to explore together — and strengthen intimacy both inside and outside the bedroom.

Desire will shift over time — and that doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. If you and your partner are struggling, you don’t have to work through it alone. At Hills Relationship Centre, we’re here to help you reconnect with compassion and care. If conflict about sex is escalating, or communication feels impossible, our experienced couples counsellors can provide a safe, supportive space to work through these challenges.

Safety & Consent Note:

Pressure, guilt, or coercion around sex are never okay.
Desire differences are common, but intimacy should always be mutual and consensual.
If you feel unsafe in your relationship, please seek confidential professional support.