Why You Still Want Your Partner After They Hurt You (And Why That Doesn’t Mean You’re Weak)

You can still love someone even after deep betrayal. You can still crave closeness when your heart feels raw. If you’re lying awake wondering why desire and hurt can exist at the same time, this article speaks directly to that experience.

Wanting Someone Who Hurt You Is More Common Than You Think

After a betrayal, an affair, or a deep relational rupture, many people expect one thing: distance.

They assume desire will disappear, love will shut down, and wanting their partner will feel impossible. And yet, for many, the opposite happens. You might still crave closeness, feel drawn to them physically, and still want reassurance, touch, intimacy — even while feeling angry, hurt, or deeply unsure. This can be confusing and, for many, shame-inducing.

“What does it say about me that I still want them?”

“Why can’t I just switch this off?”

“Does this mean I’m weak… or that I’m excusing what happened?”

It doesn’t. And you’re not.

Wanting someone who hurt you is more common than you think, and this response is actually far more common than most people realise. We see it regularly in therapy, especially after infidelity or emotional betrayal.

Wanting your partner after they’ve hurt you does not mean:

• you’re naive or weak

• you lack self-respect or self-control

• you’re choosing to excuse or forget what happened

It means you’re human. And more specifically, it means your attachment system and nervous system are doing what they evolved to do.

Attachment Isn’t Logical — It’s Protective

When an important relationship feels threatened or at risk, the attachment system activates.

In that state, it isn’t weighing up what’s fair or deserved. It’s focused on one thing: restoring a sense of safety and connection.

For many people, closeness (whether emotional or physical) has historically been the way safety is re-established. Touch, intimacy, reassurance, or sexual connection can momentarily calm a nervous system that feels shocked, abandoned, or destabilised.

This is why:

• desire can surge after betrayal

• longing can coexist with anger

• closeness can feel urgent, even when trust is shaken

Your system isn’t saying “this is fine.”

It’s saying, “I don’t feel safe. Please don’t leave.”

That distinction matters.

Desire Is Not the Same as Forgiveness

This is an important reframe.

Wanting your partner does not mean:

• you’ve forgiven them

• you’ve decided to stay

• the betrayal didn’t matter

• trust has been repaired

Desire and attachment can show up before clarity, trust, or decisions.

They are responses — not conclusions.

Many people judge themselves harshly because they expect emotional reactions to arrive in a neat, logical order. In reality, healing is rarely linear.

You can want closeness and still need boundaries.

You can love someone and be unsure whether the relationship can continue.

You can crave intimacy and require accountability, repair, and time.

None of these cancel each other out.

When Wanting Them Can Become a Trap

While this response is understandable, it can sometimes keep people stuck, particularly if it becomes the only thing guiding decisions. When closeness is used to avoid difficult conversations, bypass accountability, silence hurt, or rush reconciliation before trust has been rebuilt, the underlying wound often remains unhealed. Over time, this can lead to resentment, emotional shutdown, or a pattern where intimacy becomes the primary way pain is soothed, without ever addressing what caused it. This is where support can be particularly important.

You Don’t Have to Decide Everything Yet

One of the most painful pressures people place on themselves after betrayal is the belief that they must immediately know what they’re going to do: stay or leave, forgive or walk away, rebuild or end it. In reality, healing often begins before these decisions are made.

A helpful place to start is not with answers, but with gentle curiosity and understanding:

• What am I responding to right now — fear, grief, attachment, hope?

• What do I need in order to feel emotionally safe again?

• What would genuine repair actually look like for me?

These questions don’t demand instant conclusions but instead invite honesty and care.

You’re Not Broken — You’re Responding

Still wanting your partner after they’ve hurt you doesn’t mean something is wrong with you.

It means something important has been shaken, and your system is responding the best way it knows how. With support, it’s possible to understand what’s driving your reactions, slow things down, rebuild trust thoughtfully (if that’s the path you choose), or gain clarity and strength if you decide not to continue the relationship.

If this resonates, we support individuals and couples navigating betrayal, trust ruptures, and the complex emotions that follow — gently, without judgement, and at your pace.