Parallel Parenting: An Alternative Approach for High-Conflict Co-Parenting
- HRC
- Mar 26
- 5 min read
Updated: Apr 1
Co-parenting is never without its challenges, but when dealing with a high-conflict or toxic ex, it can feel nearly impossible. Constant arguments, manipulation, or an unwillingness to cooperate can make traditional co-parenting incredibly stressful and emotionally draining. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Fortunately, there is an alternative approach that can help reduce tension and protect both you and your child: parallel parenting.
What Is Parallel Parenting?
Parallel parenting is a structured approach designed for situations where communication between parents is difficult or destructive. Unlike traditional co-parenting, where parents work together closely, parallel parenting allows both parents to remain involved in their child's life while maintaining firm boundaries and minimising direct interaction. The goal is to reduce conflict by limiting opportunities for disagreement while ensuring the child’s needs remain the top priority.
Key Elements of Parallel Parenting
To make parallel parenting effective, it's essential to establish clear guidelines and boundaries. Here are some key elements:
Limited Direct Communication – Keep communication minimal and child-focused. Limit interactions to text, email, or co-parenting apps rather than phone calls or face-to-face communication. Written communication provides a record of interactions, which can help keep discussions focused and civil.
Detailed Parenting Plan – A well-defined parenting plan is crucial to avoid miscommunication and disputes. An effecive parenting plan will clearly outline schedules, responsibilities, and expectations for both parents.
Consistent Rules in Each Household – Each parent maintains their own household rules and routines without interference from the other. While consistency is ideal, expecting full agreement on parenting styles is unrealistic in high-conflict situations.
Third-Party Mediation – When necessary, use a neutral third party (such as a mediator or family counsellor) to resolve disputes rather than engaging in direct conflict. An experienced and child-focused professional will remain unbiased and ensure the child's well-being remains at the forefront.
Boundaries Around Personal Matters – Avoid discussing past relationship issues, personal grievances, or anything unrelated to the child. Keep all communication neutral and child focused.
Use a Shared Digital Platform – Consider using a co-parenting app like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents to document communication, track schedules, and share important child-related information.
Parenting Plans for Parallel Parenting
Establishing a detailed parenting plan is one of the most effective ways to minimise misunderstandings and conflicts between parents. A well-structured plan should outline key aspects such as living arrangements, schedules, decision-making responsibilities, and guidelines for holidays and special occasions. Having these details outlined in advance ensures clarity and consistency, reducing the need for frequent communication.
If creating or maintaining a parenting plan proves difficult due to high conflict, emotional distress, or communication challenges, seeking professional support can make the process more manageable. Family mediators or lawyers can help facilitate discussions, ensuring a legally sound and fair agreement that prioritises the child’s best interests. Their expertise can help establish clear boundaries, balance parental responsibilities, and create a structured plan that supports the well-being of everyone involved.
To ensure that parenting plans are followed, these professionals can also assist in formalising the plan into legally binding court orders. This provides greater accountability and ensures that the child's well-being remains the priority.
Tools and Strategies for Effective Parallel Parenting
Set Boundaries (and Consistently Hold Them)
Successfully implementing parallel parenting requires a shift in mindset and a commitment to maintaining boundaries. Set firm boundaries regarding personal discussions—keep conversations strictly about the child. Avoid engaging in arguments or revisiting past relationship conflicts. If the other parent attempts to violate boundaries or agreed-upon terms, redirect the conversation or cease communication until they refocus on the child’s needs.
Disengage From the Drama
Choosing not to engage in drama is a powerful way to protect your peace. High-conflict people often seek to create chaos, fuel drama, and pull others into unnecessary arguments to trigger emotional responses and assert control. However, you have the power to step back and refuse to participate in their conflict. By calmly stepping back and not responding to provocation, nasty behaviour, or unnecessary conflict, you can avoid getting caught up in unproductive situations while maintaining emotional balance and preventing unnecessary stress.
Break Unhelpful Communication Cycles
Communication with a high-conflict co-parent can easily fall into unhelpful cycles that lead to frustration and stress. They may focus on personal grievances, escalate minor issues into major arguments, twist words, or refuse to cooperate, making productive discussions nearly impossible. Responding emotionally or attempting to reason with them often fuels the conflict rather than resolves it. These cycles can become exhausting, leaving you feeling drained and unheard. To break free, it’s important to set firm boundaries, limit interactions to essential topics, and disengage from arguments. Sticking to facts and keeping communication brief, neutral, and focused on the children can help you avoid being pulled into unnecessary conflict.
The BIFF Method for Communicating
When dealing with a high-conflict co-parent, using the BIFF method (Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm) can help keep communication clear and free from unnecessary conflict. Brief messages reduce the chance of escalating tensions by avoiding unnecessary details or emotional language.
Informative responses focus on facts and necessary information rather than opinions or personal grievances and attacks.
Friendly wording helps to de-escalate potential hostility, keeping interactions as neutral as possible.
Finally, Firm communication sets clear boundaries, ensuring that the message is conclusive and does not invite further unnecessary discussion.
By following the BIFF method, you can maintain effective communication while protecting your emotional well-being and keeping interactions focused on your child’s needs.
Stay Child-Focused
Remember that your primary goal is to provide stability and emotional security for your child, not to win conflicts with your ex. Parallel parenting can be tough on children, so it's important to help them navigate their emotions and challenges. Validate their feelings, reassuring them that both parents love and care for them. Keep routines consistent between both households where possible to create a sense of stability. Encourage open communication, so your child feels safe expressing their emotions and concerns.
Protect Your Emotional Well-Being
High conflict individuals may frequently attempt to stir up tension and provoke emotional reactions from others. Even when you set boundaries and choose not to engage, it can still take an emotional toll. Make self-care a priority and reach out for support when necessary to help you stay grounded and resilient through the challenges.
Get Support
Parallel parenting can be isolating and emotionally exhausting. Seeking guidance from a family therapist or experienced counsellor can provide emotional support and help you navigate the process with confidence and resilience. At Hills Relationship Centre, we offer:
Children's Counselling to help children process emotions, build resilience, and adjust to family changes.
Parent Therapy to improve communication, set boundaries, and manage co-parenting challenges.
Tools and strategies to resolve conflicts, break cycles, set boundaries, and improve communication.
Support for maintaining a stable, emotionally healthy environment for your child amidst separation, divorce, and co-parenting.
Individual Counselling to support mental health, manage stress, and prioritise self-care.
Co-parenting Counseling to provide strategies for successful co or parallel parenting.
Referral to appropriate mediation or family law services.
Access and referral to programs such as Parenting After Separation.
How Hills Relationship Centre Can Help
At Hills Relationship Centre, we understand the emotional challenges of co-parenting. Parallel parenting isn’t about fixing a broken co-parenting dynamic—it’s about finding a way to move forward that protects your well-being and ensures your child thrives. By working with a professional, you can create a healthier dynamic that prioritises your child's well-being while reducing stress and conflict, creating a more stable and peaceful environment for all. Our experienced therapists provide personalised support to help you navigate your unique co-parenting dynamic, manage stress, and develop strategies to protect your mental well-being.
If you’re struggling with a challenging co-parenting situation, you don’t have to do it alone. Contact us today to learn how we can support you in creating a peaceful, child-focused approach to parenting after separation.
Recommended Read: How to Communicate with a High-Conflict Person
Other Resources
Family Relationship Advice Line - 1800 050 321
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LawAccess NSW - Free Legal Advice Line - 1300 888 529
